


Retrograde

by dreyars



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Established Relationship, Injury, M/M, hurt / heal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-04-24 12:30:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4919632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreyars/pseuds/dreyars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was common for people to get hurt during a volleyball game.  A spike to the face.  An unlaced shoe tripping up a receive.  A collision between teammates as they scramble to save a ball.  Injuries are normal.  Expected.</p><p>It was less common for injuries to make a person forget everything that matters to them in the span of a second.</p><p>But eventually, injuries heal and time moves forward again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Volleyball gyms were always loud.  They were full of noisy fans, squeaking shoes, and balls being slammed against the floor as the perfect spike was hit.  And even though the gym was loud today, during Aoba Jousai’s first match of the Spring High preliminaries, one sound cut through the commotion as Yahaba slipped when trying to receive a ball that would have gone out on their touch.

It was a dull, hollow sound.  Harder than the smack of a ball, heavier than the thump of a backpack dropped by the door of the gym during afternoon practice.

It was sharp as it rang out in Kyoutani’s ears.  A metallic, biting crack that caused his heart to leap into his throat and drop into his stomach at the same time.

Yahaba’s head hit the court and Kyoutani’s breath left his lungs. 

He swore he saw Yahaba’s head bounce before his body went still, and Kyoutani was on his knees before the referee had blown the whistle to signal a time-out. Kyoutani knew better than to touch him, but his hands still hovered over Yahaba’s silver hair as he prayed for him to open his eyes.  He wasn’t sure if Yahaba’s head had clipped the pole holding up the net in the one spot that it wasn’t padded, but the net still seemed to be shaking.

But maybe that was his imagination as his entire body rattled with anxiety while he watched the slow rise and fall of Yahaba’s chest. 

He heard their coach call for a medic, even though it had probably been only a few seconds since Yahaba hit the court.  He felt hands on his shoulders as someone tried to pull him away, but Kyoutani kept his knees planted on the court next to Yahaba’s head until the medic arrived and asked him to move.

Kyoutani stood with Watari and the rest of their team in the now silent gym as the medical team gingerly rolled Yahaba onto his back.  They had his head braced to prevent further damage, and all Kyoutani could focus on was the annoying hum of whispers revolving around him.  The team they had been playing had taken a knee on the other side of the court, waiting for the game to resume.  Kyoutani swore he heard one of the bastards say that maybe they could win now that the captain and starting setter was out of the game.  Watari must’ve heard them too, because his fingers encircled Kyoutani’s wrist, keeping him from doing anything stupid and redrawing his attention to Yahaba.

The medics had swept the hair away from Yahaba’s forehead, and were slowly pulling open his eyes to look for signs of life.  When the bright lights of the gym hit him, Yahaba scrunched up his face, clamping his eyes shut with a groan. 

Kyoutani let out a relieved sigh as the medics began to ask Yahaba questions, knowing that he was now at least semi-conscious.  They were still wheeling in a backboard and gurney, and Kyoutani knew they would have to take him to the hospital based on the fact that he had been unconscious for such a significant amount of time.

But, he was going to be okay because he was awake and answering questions.

“Son, can you tell me your name?”

Yahaba’s voice came out in a strained whisper, but he was still able to mumble out “Shigeru” as the medic began strapping a brace around his neck.

“Can you tell me how old you are?”

“17.”

“Do you know where you are right now?”

“I…a volleyball game?” Yahaba answered with a question, and that made Kyoutani’s frown deepen.  The medics didn’t seem to notice, probably because they didn’t know the fine lilt of Yahaba’s voice.  They probably only took the inflection as a result of his pain, not the genuine confusion that it actually was.

They ignored it, moving on to asking if he could move his fingers and his feet before sliding him onto the backboard and lifting him off the ground.  His eyes were still closed, his entire face contorted in pain as they began to wheel him off the court.  The crowd began to clap as a sign of respect, but Kyoutani wishes they would just fucking stop as he made his way to follow Yahaba.

He was stopped by a hand in the middle of his chest and a pitying look from the head coach.

“We need you here, Kyoutani. The match is almost over.”

Kyoutani growled deep in his throat as he slapped Irihata’s hand away.  “Yahaba needs me.”

“What are you going to do? Sit around the emergency waiting room until they tell you that you can go in? They won’t let you in the ambulance anyway.”

Kyoutani glared at the ground, puffing up his cheeks as he tried to come up with some reason that he should be allowed to go.

“Mizoguchi is going to go with him, so he won’t be alone until his parents arrive.” Irihata placed a hand on Kyoutani’s shoulder, giving it a tight squeeze before letting go.  “I know you two are…close.  But I know he’d want you to finish the game for him.  We’ll all go see him after the match is over.”

Kyoutani continued to stare at the ground as Irihata left him alone to wrangle up the remaining team members.  True to his word, the second coach gathered up Yahaba’s bag and jogged away in the direction they had taken him.  When he was gone, Kyoutani picked his face up and returned to his team, swallowing down the sour taste growing at the back of his throat.

\----

They won.  Of course they won.  They had already completed the first set, and were only 10 points away from victory when the first year setter that shook when Kyoutani looked directly at him stepped onto the court.  Yahaba had been training him up, since he would be the starter next year, but Kyoutani had never had much opportunity to train with him one on one.  As a result, his sets were sloppy and off center, nothing like the smooth, clean set that he and Yahaba had been working all year to perfect.  They had started off their third year at each other’s throats, convinced that this would never work.  That they could never be a setter and ace duo that was comparable to Oikawa and Iwaizumi.  But somehow, during their second game of the interhigh preliminaries, something finally clicked, and they managed to pull one of the cleanest straight set victories that either of them had ever seen.

Yahaba had embraced him once the match was over, in front of their entire team and a gym full of people that they didn’t know.  Kyoutani was shocked and more than a little embarrassed, but he hugged him back with one arm before loudly complaining that Yahaba stank and needed a major shower.

Yahaba pushed him away with a pink face, but he still had a sly little smile on his face.  After that, they had grown closer over the course of the school year. They practiced late after their other teammates had left, sharing shy hugs and then kisses in between successful spikes.  They introduced each other to their homes, and Kyoutani spent the first night in Yahaba’s bedroom scared shitless that he would accidently push him out of his own bed by accident.  They called each other friends, then boyfriends.  Yahaba had recently started calling him Kentarou.

Kyoutani had been given permission to call him Shigeru.

Once the match concluded, Irihata called for all the boys to pack their things up and get on the bus so they could go and check on their captain.  Kyoutani found himself snapping at some of the first years for moving too slowly as they changed their clothes, as every second they dawdled was a second longer that he didn’t get to see if Yahaba was okay. 

Eventually, everything got packed up and the team loaded into the bus.  Irihata gave Kyoutani permission to sit in the front seat with him because the tension in his body was rattling everyone around him.  He was making everyone nervous as he sat on the edge of his seat, grinding his teeth and nearly tearing a hole in the cushions because of how hard he was squeezing the bench with his hands.  Watari sat a seat behind him, trying to calm him down with words of encouragement.  Yahaba would be fine he said.  He was starting to wake up when he left the gym, and now they probably are almost all done with the scans and tests to make sure that he’s alright. 

At worst Yahaba has a concussion and won’t be able to play the rest of the tournament.

Is what Watari says.

Coach Mizoguchi is waiting for them when they arrive at the ER’s waiting room.  Kyoutani plants himself in front of him and is about to chew his coach out before Mizoguchi sticks up a finger, assuring him that he never would have left Yahaba alone.  His parents had arrived 10 minutes after the ambulance pulled up, and were with him now as they awaited the results of the scans. 

Because he had hit his head so hard and blacked out for so long, they were going to keep him at the hospital overnight for observation.  Just in case.

But because they were going to keep him overnight, no one was allowed to see him until they moved him out of the emergency room and into an overnight room.

No one besides his parents were allowed back right now.  Not even Kyoutani.

If he were a weaker person, Kyoutani would have cried from frustration.  Sure, he trusted his coach’s report _well enough_.  Yahaba was awake. In pain. Not wanting to talk much, but able to answer basic questions.  Kyoutani wanted to see that for himself.  He wouldn’t be able to relax until he saw Yahaba sitting up and alert for himself.

Kyoutani let out a groan of frustration as he plopped down into a chair, scaring a couple first years out of his way.  He crossed his arms over his chest and pressed his lips into a thin line as Watari swiftly took a seat beside him. Watari patted his arm and asked if he was alright, but Kyoutani refused to answer.

Of course he wasn’t fucking alright.  He had just watched his boyfriend play like a limp noodle after hitting his fucking head on the hard court.  The anticipation and waiting was killing him, boiling up like fire in his chest.  His skin felt hot in an unpleasant way, and he just wished he could fucking _see_ Yahaba already.

He endured an hour of waiting before Yahaba’s father emerged from the emergency room doors to announce that they were going to be moving him in the next thirty minutes, and after that, they would have to walk to the front of the hospital and request to see him.  Kyoutani had met Yahaba’s father a few times before, and found him to be a nice enough man.  He looked just like an older version of Yahaba.  Yahaba had gotten his height from his father without a doubt, and the gentle eyes and pointed nose.  But his silver hair he inherited from his mother, as his father’s was pitch black.  Yahaba’s father always made Kyoutani feel welcome in his home, always making sure to check with him and making sure everything was going well with him in a way that his own father never really did.  Even now, he took a few minutes of time to speak with Kyoutani before returning to his son’s side.

After congratulating him on their victory, Yahaba’s father updated Kyoutani on his condition.

“Shigeru is very alert right now, though that’s slightly dulled by the medicine.  He seems to be having some…difficulty remembering things, so after they move him upstairs, we’d like to have you and Watari come back to talk to him.  Maybe he’s just a bit rattled right now.”

Kyoutani nodded slowly, knitting his eyebrows together as he wondered what it could be that Yahaba was not remembering.  Kyoutani recalled the confusion Yahaba had earlier when asked if he knew where he was, and he hoped that it wasn’t any worse than that.

It was close to another hour of thin patience before Yahaba’s father came to the waiting room again to retrieve Kyoutani and Watari.  Some members of the team had already gone home, picked up by their parents or other friends as the wait became too much to bear.  Kyoutani made a note of every person that left, swearing to himself that they would be running extra laps in the gym the next time they met for practice.  He hated hospitals himself because the only good thing that ever happened there were babies being born.  But he still wasn’t going to leave, not while his boyfriend was lying in a bed somewhere nearby.

Kyoutani followed Yahaba’s father through the double doors and down a hallway, Watari close on his heels as he tried to match Kyoutani’s urgent pace. He tried to remind Kyoutani to keep his voice down when they got close to the room with Yahaba’s name already on the door.  But he really didn’t need to be told twice.

The room was dim, most likely to help soothe the headache Yahaba was undoubtedly feeling at this moment.  It took Kyoutani’s eyes a moment to adjust from the bright hallway, but when they did, they immediately focused on Yahaba.

He was sitting up in bed, legs crossed in front of him and hands cradling a bottle of water in his lap. Yahaba’s eyes were a little weary as he tried to focus on his mother, who was speaking in a soft, gentle voice, probably about the results of all of Yahaba’s tests.  Kyoutani mostly saw his back as his mother was oriented to face the door, but he could see the mess Yahaba had made of his hair in the trip from the gym to the hospital. 

Yahaba’s mother gave Kyoutani a small, exasperated smile before she turned towards her son to let him know he had visitors.  Only then did Yahaba turn around, slowly, moving his body rather than turning his head as if his neck was stiff and sore.  Kyoutani didn’t blame him.  The one time he had gotten a concussion was back in middle school when he was playing volleyball on a sand court, and his head smacked the concrete ridge meant to keep the sand inside.  He didn’t want to move his neck for a good few weeks after that, so he made a mental note to help Yahaba relieve the tension as soon as he could.

Kyoutani couldn’t read the expression on his boyfriends face as he reached out for him.  He whispered his name, “Shigeru”, and grabbed his closest hand.  He was fully intent on pressing a kiss to Yahaba’s forehead before his hand was dropped.

Yahaba snapped his hand away as if Kyoutani had burned him, pulling it to his chest so that no one could hold it again.  Kyoutani frowned, taking a half step away from the bed before changing his mind and stepping forward again.

“Shigeru, what the hell is wrong with you? I’ve been worrying my ass off.”  Kyoutani tried to keep his voice low so as not to upset Yahaba’s headache, but his words were harsh, displaying his hurt at the rejection.

“Why would you bother?” Yahaba’s voice was rough, shaky and low as if he was sick.  His face was blank, but Kyoutani could see the tell-tale signs of a grimace forming as the corners of Yahaba’s lips turned downwards.  “And I don’t remember giving you permission to use my first name, Kyoutani, so I would appreciate it if you didn’t.”

Kyoutani’s mouth dropped open, not believing the absolute bullshit coming out of Yahaba’s mouth. He tried to think of something to say, something that would knock Yahaba out of whatever stupid fantasy world he was living in right now.  But no solutions came to mind apart from smacking Yahaba upside the head, and that would probably only make his condition worse.

Kyoutani didn’t fight when Yahaba’s father pulled him out of the room and into the hallway.  They left Watari behind, and Kyoutani strained to hear what was being said between the two.  Yahaba clearly sounded happy to see his friend after his traumatic experience.  But, he didn’t seem to remember Kyoutani.

Yahaba’s father asked him if he was alright and he shook his head no.  Of course he wasn’t fucking alright.  He felt like he wanted to throw up and punch his fist through a wall at the same time.  Yahaba’s father tried to calm him down, saying that he wanted Kyoutani to go back in and ask what Yahaba remembered about him.  Apparently, Yahaba’s head slamming against the gym floor sparked a bit of retrograde amnesia, and he only seemed to remember up to a certain point. 

He remembered the spring high from their second year, and slamming Kyoutani against the wall.

He remembered being named captain when Oikawa stepped down.

He remembered almost to the end of the school year, to the last birthday he and Matsukawa-senpai shared together.  That’s how he knew he was 17.  He remembered it, but only barely.

Yahaba didn’t remember the seniors graduating.  He didn’t remember moving on to their third year.  He didn’t remember the interhigh or the hug or anything that meant something to Kyoutani.

Like their first kiss, angry and frustrated as it was after they both shouted their confessions at each other.

He didn’t remember their second kiss, which was almost an apology to the first for being so aggressive and regrettable. 

He didn’t remember their first date, or the first time they spent the night together, or giving permission to use his first name.

Yahaba didn’t remember anything that mattered about Kyoutani, like the things that made him a good person and all the things he had worked so hard on this past year to become a better person for himself and the team. 

But mostly, the things he had done to become a better person for Yahaba.

Was it all a waste of time? All the effort he had put in take make sure he didn’t lose Yahaba, someone who could probably have whoever the fuck he wanted. 

He never thought it could be taken away from him just like that.

In a snap, in just a second, in all the time it took to bounce his brain inside his skull.

Kyoutani didn’t want to go back in.  He knew he was just speculating, based on what Yahaba’s father told him, but he didn’t want to go back in and look at the person he loved stare at him like he was a nuisance. 

He didn’t want to listen to words come off of lips that he had kissed just this morning say that they have never kissed at all.

But, he did.  He walked back in the room, almost hiding behind Yahaba’s father’s back.  Watari had pulled up a chair besides Yahaba’s bed, and he gave Kyoutani a forced smile that covered up what he already knew to be true.

“Your old man says you don’t remember anything, Shi-…Yahaba.”  Kyoutani stumbled with his name, not sure what to say after he had had his permission to use Yahaba’s given name taken away. 

“That’s right.  I remember just up to my 17th birthday, but I’ve already been told that it’s been almost a whole year since then.”  Yahaba let out a big sigh before sinking down into the pillows propped behind his back.  Kyoutani felt a little tug on the edges of his lips, threatening to pull into a smile as Yahaba’s overdramatic side began to peek out from under the pain medicine.  “I don’t see why _you_ care though, Kyoutani.  You basically hate me.”

Yahaba’s mother began to scold him, but Kyoutani cut her off by slamming his palm against the wall.  “God, Yahaba, I don’t fucking hate you.  Why do you even think that?”

Yahaba’s eyes were wide after the loud bang, but he quickly regained his composure so he could answer Kyoutani’s question.  “Because of the way you treat me.  You’ve never said a nice thing to me in your entire life.”

Kyoutani closed his eyes and took a deep breath, struggling to restrain himself from lashing out or breaking down.  He tried to remember that he was in a hospital, surrounded by Yahaba’s parents.   He made sure his voice was steady before speaking again. “You really don’t remember anything, do you?”

“Remember what?”

Kyoutani shook his head, not wanting to say it out loud if Yahaba didn’t remember.  But, he knew he had to try.  “Like, you don’t remember us?  You don’t remember us dating?”

“OH my god….no.” Yahaba shook his head as if he was trying to get some mental image out. He crossed his arms like an X in front of his body and almost sounded like he was trying not to laugh. “Us? Dating? Yeah I definitely _do not_ remember that, because it’s impossible.”

Kyoutani inhaled sharply through his nose before turning on his heel.  He heard Yahaba’s mother and Watari trying to talk him into apologizing as Kyoutani was stopped by Yahaba’s father.

“I’m sure…if we explain things to him, we can work it out.  You used to cause Shigeru frustration before, but, you’ve been good to him since you’ve started dating.  I’m sure we can find a way to fix-”

“No, fuck it. I’m done.” Kyoutani cut him off, and tried to push his way out of the room.  “He doesn’t remember. He thinks it’s a fucking joke.  I don’t have time to try and get his head out of his ass a second time.”

Another shove was all it took to get Yahaba’s father to release him.  He pushed through the door, out of the dark hospital room into the bright fluorescents of the hallway.  The light stung his eyes and made them water, and Kyoutani tried to convince himself that was all it was as he rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.

When he entered the waiting room where part of the team and the coaches still sat, Kyoutani tried to ignore them. He shrugged off questions of how Yahaba was doing, gruffly answering ‘find out for yourself’ before trying to walk away.  He only paused when Coach Irihata called out to him, telling him the time the team was meeting before leaving to play their next game tomorrow. 

Kyoutani didn’t answer.

He walked until he reached the front door of the hospital.  When the chill breeze of the outdoors hit his face as the sliding glass opened, Kyoutani took off at a sprint down the sidewalk.  He nearly knocked over a middle aged man on crutches, and he skirted around a grandma in her wheelchair, but he never slowed his speed.  He would’ve ran the entire way home if he lived closer, but instead, he had to stop at a train station to buy a ticket back home.  He supposed he could’ve called his dad, or anyone really, to come get him. But he didn’t want to talk to anyone else.  He only grunted confirmations when buying his ticket, and he ignored questions from people on the train asking if they could sit nearby.  He just wanted them all to disappear and leave him alone.

As soon as he sat down and the train began to move, Kyoutani felt as if he had just deflated.  He felt as if all the powerful emotions he had been feeling today were being pulled out of the bottom of his feet, leaving him empty and hollow and confused.

He felt like he had been slapped in the face. Embarrassed, humiliated, and he didn’t know if Yahaba would tell others about his outburst.  He almost didn’t care if he did, at least it would give Yahaba something to laugh at for the rest of his life.

But damn it, Kyoutani fucking loved him.  He’d been through a lot of shit in his life, but this was easily the most painful thing he had ever experienced. 

Yahaba had loved him, and he didn’t even remember it.  It was a joke.  A cruel joke with no punchline. 

The Yahaba that was sitting in that hospital bed didn’t even think it was possible to love him.

He thought Kyoutani _hated_ him.

It’s like Kyoutani had nearly won the race and reached the top of the mountain, only to have his footing yanked out from underneath him.  Now he was back at the bottom of the hill, broken, bruised, and hurt.

God, how he hurt.  He hardly ever cried, but the pain in his chest made him feel almost like he should go back to the hospital to check that he wasn’t dying.

His heart was so heavy it made it difficult for him to stand up from his seat and get off the train when it pulled up to his stop.  His heavy heart made it difficult to drag his feet back home, and up the stairs to his bedroom.  He brushed off his father’s questions as to why he was home so late, and he locked the door when his father started yelling for being ignored.

His heart was still heavy as he looked over his bed at all the little pictures Yahaba had insisted on pinning there.  His heavy heart saw one of Yahaba’s blue practice shirts sticking out from under his bed, and to torture him further, his heart wouldn’t give him the strength to kick it further under the bed so that he could no longer see it.

Kyoutani’s heavy heart made most everything more difficult, from walking to thinking to breathing.  Only one thing did it make easier: falling face first into bed to suffocate himself in memories of Yahaba that only he now held.


	2. Chapter 2

Kyoutani considered not getting out of bed in the morning.

He considered not going to school and the team meeting, and definitely considered skipping out on the next game this afternoon.

But of course, he could have no such luxury as Watari appeared at his bedside that morning, bouncing his knees on the edge of the mattress until Kyoutani finally rolled over and swiped a hand at him.

“How the fuck did you get into my room?” Kyoutani pulled a blanket over his head, trying to shut Watari out.

“I picked the lock.  Your door is really easy, all you have to do is stick a little toothpick in there and wiggle it around.“ Watari shook the mattress again before trying to yank the blanket away from Kyoutani’s face.  “Time to get up, Ace. We need you today.”

“No you don’t.  Now fucking stop.” Kyoutani yanked his blanket back, ripping it out of Watari’s grip.

“Yes we do. We need our ace and our stand in captain today.  We’re going to win.”

“Stand in captain?” Kyoutani pushed his blanket down, sitting up in bed as he glared at Watari.

“Well obviously, Yahaba can’t play….he’s got a really bad concussion and can’t really play for the rest of the tournament.”

“I know that, damn. But why am _I_ the stand in captain. I’m fucking useless compared to him.”

“Because, everyone that stayed at the hospital last night voted unanimously that it should be you.  We really want you to play with us, Kyoutani.”

Kyoutani groaned, flopping back down in bed before rolling towards the wall. “I don’t want to.”

“You don’t have a choice.  I can go get your dad to help me flip you out of bed if you want.”

Kyoutani rolled over, shooting the most pissed off stare he could muster Watari’s way. “Don’t you fucking dare.”

“Then get out of bed.” Watari looked around his feet before finding where he had dropped Kyoutani’s gym bag.  He rustled around in it for a moment before pulling out Kyoutani’s jersey, the one with a white #2 in the middle of his back, and tossing it towards the bed.  “We’re wearing blue today.”

Kyoutani let out a loud groan as he flipped his legs over the side of his bed.  He held up his jersey, looking over the fabric before slipping it over his head.  Today, he wouldn’t think about the fact that Yahaba had been the one to assign uniform numbers to the team.  He won’t think about the fact that for some reason, Yahaba had given him #2, the number directly under his own.

He would just wear it on his back, which was fitting in a way because he had to start accepting that whatever he had with Yahaba was behind him.

He would do what he needed to do for the team today, tomorrow, and for however long they needed him. 

He would graduate.

He would hurt.

But eventually, he would move on.

\-----

They made it through two more games before Kyoutani and Watari officially retired.

One win, one loss.

With Yahaba unable to play, it was nearly impossible to do anything more than that.  The first year setter wasn’t a bad player, but he was just too green to handle the pressure of being the starter.  They had pulled someone out of the second string to refill the reserve setter spot.  He was a second year, and a little more confident than the first year who was already on first string.  But, there was a reason that second year was in the second string to begin with, and he ended up being less help than a nervous first year who sent him more wobbly sets than his setter from middle school.

There was a palpable bitterness among the team as they left the stadium for the last time on the third day of the tournament.  Next year, it would be up to Kindaichi and Kunimi, and everyone else that’s left to clean up their soiled reputation. 

Kyoutani feels more anger than anything.  The loss just brought up the wounds again.  It had only been two days, but he had been forcing the holes shut with denial and strength, but with the season ending in such a shameful way, it just ripped everything open again.

Everything he had done for the past year had been useless.

It didn’t make a damn difference for him or for the team, and he just wanted the school year to be over already so that he could move on with his life.

He was ready to leave the team, to never talk to any of them again, because they had to be just as disappointed with him as he was with himself.

But damn Watari was trailing along with him as he walked home, fidgeting with the edge of his shirt as if he had something to say.

“Isn’t your house in the other direction, dipshit?”

Watari laughed before punching Kyoutani in the arm. “So you do actually pay attention sometimes, Kyoutani.  It is, but I need to tell you something before you try to avoid me, and avoid Yahaba, for the rest of the school year.”

Kyoutani shoved his hands in his pockets and kicked a pebble out of his way as he kept walking. “I only avoid you because you nag me.  And I’m going to avoid Yahaba for obvious reasons.”

“Well, I just want to tell you to not do that.”

“Why the hell not? He doesn’t want anything to do with me.  I ‘hate’ him, remember?” Kyoutani’s mouth felt sour with the lie, and he tried to spit it out on the sidewalk.

“Yeah well, his dad wanted me to tell you what the doctors said after you left.”  Watari paused, waiting for Kyoutani’s reaction.

“Well, what it is?”

“Well…he will probably get most, if not all of his memories back.  The doctor said that the kind of amnesia he has is basically rattling up his brain right now, so it’s making it hard for him to remember things from the past year.  Like, it’s sort of as if the part of his brain that is responsible for holding all of his memories since last March is dislodged right now, and as it heals, it will slowly get put back into place.”

Kyoutani felt his breath catch in his throat as he listened to Watari speak.  So maybe, one day, Yahaba could remember him.  He could remember everything that they had.

But what they had is not something that is continuing currently.  If he remembers it, it doesn’t mean that his feelings for Kyoutani will be the same.  Right now, Yahaba is in a state of mind from so many months ago.  Where Kyoutani annoys him and Yahaba thinks he doesn’t want anything to do with him.  If he remembers, who’s to say that Yahaba’s feelings will come back too?

Maybe he’ll just remember, and that’s it.

It’ll be as if ‘oh, yeah, that happened.  But, because I’m only remembering a memory, I don’t think I love you anymore.’

Yahaba never remembering would be easier than that.

“He hasn’t been able to look at his phone yet.” Watari’s voice snapped Kyoutani out of his revelry.  He looked down at the shorter boy with a confused look, wondering why Watari was telling him this. “The doctor has banned all electronic devices until his headaches go away.  So, he hasn’t seen all of your pictures and texts and things like that…”

Kyoutani flushed, knowing exactly what Watari was getting at with his comments.  Kyoutani knew Yahaba had been telling Watari almost everything about their relationship since it started.  Every vivid, lucid detail.  He knew a few nights before the accident, Kyoutani and Yahaba had been exchanging pictures, and not like they had actually done anything physical yet, but some of Kyoutani’s comments about Yahaba’s body were expressly graphic and he kind of wished Watari didn’t know.

(And he kind of wished he could delete all of those messages from Yahaba’s phone by deleting them from his own)

But the risqué text conversation aside, there were also all the sweet pictures Yahaba had insisted on taking every time they got together.  Kyoutani had copies of every single one saved on his phone in case something possessed Yahaba to delete them, and he doesn’t see why Yahaba wouldn’t given the fact that he no longer wants to date him.

But there were pictures of them with their faces squished together on a train ride to the city for a date.

There were pictures of them sneaking kisses in the back of the bus while their teammates snored around them.

There were pictures of their foreheads touching as they laid in Yahaba’s bed, caring about nothing other than preserving the moment they found themselves in.

Kyoutani didn’t want Yahaba to see.

He didn’t know why he didn’t want him to see.  He supposed it was because it might make Yahaba uncomfortable, to have months of a forgotten relationship shoved upon him in one go. But it might have been because he was terrified that Yahaba would see them and find them disgusting, rather than questioning whether or not he had feelings for Kyoutani.

Kyoutani didn’t know what to do.  He was sure if he went over to Yahaba’s house and asked his parents to let him delete things off of his phone that would upset him, they would most likely agree.

“Don’t tell me what he says when he looks.”

Watari raised an eyebrow as if he hadn’t quite heard what Kyoutani had said.  But then he nodded, slowly as if he understood perfectly.

“I won’t.  If he has something to say, he’ll have to tell you himself.”

Kyoutani nodded in agreement.  Of course Yahaba would have something to say.  It was fucking _Yahaba_. He could never let a damn thing go.

“He’s not going to be at school for the rest of the week.  It may be a while before he comes back.”

Kyoutani grunted to let Watari know he had heard.  He didn’t really know what to say to that.

“I can tell you when he’s coming back, if you want me to.”

Once more Kyoutani nodded, agreeing that yes, he’d probably like to know.  That way, if he wasn’t ready to face Yahaba again, he could skip school.

Watari slowed his pace, and Kyoutani figured that he was getting ready to turn back around and actually go home.  But instead, he felt a tug on the strap of his gym bag, gently stopping him so that he had to look Watari in the face.

“Kyoutani….I’m really sorry this happened to the two of you.  I know you were really happy together.”

Kyoutani snorted, a bitter mimicry of his laugh.  He plucked Watari’s hand off of his gym bag, letting it fall to his friend’s side before walking towards home once more.

“Yeah, Watari.  We were really happy.”

\----

Yahaba doesn’t come back to school for two and a half weeks.  It feels like longer than that to Kyoutani because he had gotten used to spending almost every hour of his weekends with Yahaba. Without him there, he tended to just sit in his room, eat junk food, and play video games until his dad called him downstairs to eat take out.  Yahaba’s house never had junk food or take out.  The only snacks they had were nasty organic dried fruits or dried seaweed, and Yahaba always made him eat a bite of something because he was sure that his boyfriend wasn’t getting the proper nutrition at home.

He was probably right, but Kyoutani never thanked him for it.

Watari texted him on a Sunday night to let him know Yahaba was returning to school.  Apparently, he had felt OK enough to go on Wednesday afternoon, but his mother suggested he take another couple days and wait until Monday to return. Yahaba had only agreed because Watari had been taking him his homework every day after school and helping him relearn.  Watari told Kyoutani that some things had started to come back, especially the things that Watari was re-teaching Yahaba from school.  He learned it much faster than he did the first time, because it wasn’t really gone, and he just needed a little nudge to bring it back out.

Kyoutani bit his tongue at that, because he knew Watari was suggesting that he try to spark Yahaba’s memory with a little re-teaching of his own.

_“I’m not going to kiss him.”_

_“I’m not saying kiss him, because he’d probably hit you.  Just…a little push in the right direction may help him out.”_

_“Watari. I’m not going to kiss him.”_

That conversation had occurred a week prior.  Watari had spent the last couple Sundays helping Yahaba stay caught up with school despite his struggles in remembering what he had learned that year. 

Now, Kyoutani was shuffling his feet as he headed towards school, trying to keep his head on straight at the imminent possibility of seeing Yahaba today.  They weren’t in the same class of course due to the fact that Yahaba had always been in one of those college prep classes, but they had to walk down the same hallway to get to their rooms.  Kyoutani considered getting to school late so even if Yahaba had looked at his phone and wanted to talk to him, he’d be disrupting two classes to do so.

Kyoutani didn’t see him until lunch time.  He had been making a habit of eating lunch with Watari, which wasn’t so unusual because both of them usually ate lunch with Yahaba.  But when he saw the pair already in their normal spot, Kyoutani turned around and walked back the way he came, determined to find a spot away from Yahaba.

Watari had called him over, but Kyoutani was already walking away by the time Yahaba had turned around.  From what Kyoutani saw, he looked good.  He didn’t look like he had lost much weight, and he didn’t look as gaunt and sick as he did the night he got the concussion.

But god, he just looked _good_.  Kyoutani always admired the way Yahaba looked in their school uniform.  It showed off his long legs and Kyoutani always had been a sucker for a guy with a properly knotted tie.  Funnily enough, Kyoutani didn’t really know how to do up his own necktie, and more often than not, Yahaba was always fixing it for him to make sure it was not too tight, but most importantly, flat and straight.  Kyoutani appreciated the attention to detail that Yahaba put in, as well as the warm palm that always pressed against his chest as he patted the tie down.

Yahaba’s hands were always warm.  Warmer than Kyoutani’s at least.  He was a little taken aback the first time they laced fingers, almost expecting Yahaba’s hands to be gross and clammy.  But no, they were pleasant and soft and they probably still were.  Kyoutani just didn’t get to hold them anymore.

After lunch, Kyoutani decided that he was going to avoided Yahaba indefinitely.  It didn’t matter that he wouldn’t get to hang around Watari anymore, since he was Yahaba’s friend first anyways, and he was more than content to spend the rest of the year glancing over his shoulder and sneaking through halls just so he didn’t have to explain something Yahaba didn’t remember.  He would avoid Watari too, if that’s what it took.

Watari wasn’t afraid to text him though.

_Watari : you’re hurting him kyoutani_

Kyoutani glared at his phone before tossing it across his bed.  He rolled onto his stomach and screamed into his pillow.  His phone continued to buzz as if Watari was trying to call him.  But, it didn’t make a difference. Kyoutani wouldn’t answer.

When he grabbed his phone, he had two new messages.

_Watari : he’s really confused right now_

_Watari : I don’t know what I should tell him. He wants to talk to you._

Kyoutani tapped his screen, considering whether he should reply or ignore.  Eventually, he typed out the only question he really wanted answered.

_Kentarou : has he remembered anything about me._

The response was almost instantaneous, and caused Kyoutani to throw his phone again, this time, letting it fall to the floor and crash into the carpet.

_No_

Two little letters, tearing his entire world apart for the second time.  Kyoutani couldn’t do this.  He didn’t want to do this.

He didn’t want to keep waiting for something that was never going to happen.

He knew Yahaba had been remembering things, because Watari kept telling him, even though he said he wouldn’t. 

Yahaba remembered graduation and the interhigh.

He remembered studying with Kyoutani and Watari on nights after the interhigh was over.

He remembered the set before he smashed his head into the ground.

It was splotchy, and Kyoutani would understand why he was confused because all of his resurfacing memories seemed to be weaving around his memories of Kyoutani.

They seemed to be coming back chronologically. He remembered the graduation before the interhigh, and he remembered the interhigh before the spring.  But his healing brain conveniently decided to skip over Kyoutani in a way that made him think that Yahaba would never recover completely.

Kyoutani was done. 

He’d said it a thousand times, and he’d probably say it a thousand more before he actually followed through.

But, he was done with waiting for Yahaba Shigeru.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thnk you to everyone who has commented on the last chapter, it really made me want to post this one early but nah, I made myself wait a whole week >3


	3. Chapter 3

Kyoutani saw him almost every day.

It was always from a distance, but still… he saw Yahaba.

Walking down the hallway talking to a classmate, Kyoutani only got to see his back.

Across the courtyard during lunch, Kyoutani could see the side of his face.  He still looked tired, despite the couple months it had been since his accident.  But he still looked as good as Kyoutani ever knew.

If he wanted to treat himself and see Yahaba’s whole face, he just opened the photos on his phone.  Kyoutani was never in the habit of taking a lot of pictures, so other than a few new images of a pair of shoes he wanted or the kittens that had taken up residence in the bush outside of his house, basically all of the pictures in his phone were of Yahaba. 

Yahaba smiling, making a funny face, kissing Kyoutani on the cheek.  It was torturous to look at them sometimes, but he still couldn’t bring himself to delete them.  Just like he couldn’t bring himself to take down the pictures above his bed or return the small box of items that he had collected each time he cleaned his room.  All of the objects belonged to Yahaba, and some he knew Yahaba probably wanted back.  But returning them seemed to have an air of finality that Kyoutani wasn’t ready to face yet. 

Kyoutani hadn’t realized how much he had begun to rely on Yahaba when they were dating.  He didn’t realize how cathartic it was to be able to rant to Yahaba when his dad pissed him off, or how relaxing it was to bug Yahaba when he was bored.  He didn’t realize how good it felt to be wanted, included in something that almost felt bigger than himself.  Without Yahaba, he just felt frustrated and isolated.

It had been a couple of weeks since Kyoutani last spoke to Watari about Yahaba’s condition.  He knew that Watari had been telling Yahaba every word he said, and he didn’t want to fuel whatever was still going wrong with Yahaba’s mind.  He just wanted to be able to forget as well. 

Yahaba was lucky with that.  It was such a clean break at the end of a relationship if you literally remembered nothing about it.

For a few weeks after Yahaba returned to school, he had tried to hunt Kyoutani down.  Yahaba had tried to get him away from the rest of their peers, probably to talk about whatever it is that Watari had told him. Kyoutani always imagined the worst.  He pictured every possible conversation going along the lines of ‘well, I saw the pictures but since I do not remember a thing about them, so you might as well just lose all hope.’

But Kyoutani had already lost all hope when Yahaba stopped pursuing him a week ago. 

It’s not like he expected Yahaba to go on chasing him forever.  On the contrary, Yahaba chased him for much longer than Kyoutani expected he would.  But when he stopped having to look around corners and sneak away from school every day, Kyoutani felt remarkably alone.  He wondered if he had botched his last opportunity, even after swearing he didn’t want another chance.

He had always been a liar.  He had lied to his dad about where he was almost every Saturday night.  He lied to his teachers about why he was out of school when he was skipping.  He lied every time someone asked him if he was doing alright.  But he swore that he never lied when he said he was done with Yahaba.

But he was just always there.  Even months after the accident, months after Yahaba laughed and said he’d never date Kyoutani, he was there.  At school, on his phone, when Kyoutani closed his eyes at night and tried to think of anything else.

Hearing Yahaba’s name hurt.  Even though it shouldn’t phase him anymore, just hearing his name made Kyoutani’s chest clench up and his eyes burn.  Yahaba always made him feel so weak that sometimes he wishes he could just give in and listen to his better instinct telling him to stop running away.

But Kyoutani was too stubborn for that.  And Yahaba probably knew Kyoutani was too stubborn to just allow himself to be cornered into listening to something he wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear.

Which is probably why Yahaba was sitting on the front step of his house when he returned from buying groceries after school on Friday.

Kyoutani saw him when he first turned onto his street.  He swore it was just his imagination, because he had imagined this scenario an embarrassing number of times.

That one day, Yahaba would turn up on his doorstep, sometimes in tears, wailing that he had finally remembered.  He would grab Kyoutani by his shirt and beg to be let inside so that they could embrace and kiss without the little old lady next door bitching about their public affection.

But when he finally reached the sidewalk that led up to the steps, there was no fanfare.  Yahaba didn’t jump up to greet him as if nothing had changed.  He just looked at the ground, pushing a pill bug along with a stick.  Kyoutani waited for him to look up, or move or anything really, but when Yahaba remained planted on the step, his long legs tucked up to his chin, Kyoutani coughed to get his attention.

Yahaba’s head shot up in surprise as if he hadn’t realized Kyoutani had been standing there for the better chunk of five minutes.  When he saw the bags in Kyoutani’s hands he jumped up out of the way so he could get to the door.  Kyoutani didn’t say anything when pushing past him to open it, but he knew Yahaba would probably follow him inside and into his kitchen if he didn’t tell him not to.

So of course, he didn’t tell him not to.

Kyoutani stomped through his living room, clearly hearing the soft click of the front door as Yahaba closed it behind himself.  Yahaba shuffled into the kitchen behind him as Kyoutani started unpacking the food from the bags.  He stood in the center of the small room twiddling his thumbs, looking awkward and out of place before coming to stand beside Kyoutani.

“Can I help you?” Yahaba’s voice was soft, just barely above a whisper as he asked his question.  Kyoutani nodded sharply, turning to put some of the stuff in a cabinet above him as Yahaba slowly pulled the items out of the bag.  It wasn’t like this was a difficult task, and it wouldn’t have taken Kyoutani more than five minutes if he had been working by himself, but it felt strangely comfortable to have Yahaba working beside him on such a mundane thing. 

After the task was done, Kyoutani led Yahaba to his room.  His father wasn’t due home for another couple hours, but the living room was too open and the kitchen was too bright for Kyoutani to feel comfortable having what was sure to be a deep heart to heart.  His room was smaller and darker and made him feel more secure.  Maybe he’d actually be able to do this without making it worse.

Kyoutani let Yahaba in first, and closed the door behind them in case his dad came home early.  It was always a rare occurrence to have Yahaba in his room to start with.  His father wasn’t very supportive, and Yahaba only got to come over if he was able to come and leave while his dad was not at home.  It was strange to have Yahaba in his room once again, especially without knowing why. 

Kyoutani pushed a pile of laundry off of his desk chair so that Yahaba could sit down before plopping down on the edge of his bed to wait.  Yahaba sat gingerly on the chair, as if he was ready to get up and bolt before he had even said anything.  But after a deep breath, Yahaba looked up, staring Kyoutani straight in the face with a look that was somewhere between pissed off and pouting.

Kyoutani would have laughed at that if this had been under different circumstances.  Yahaba always had a tendency to look completely done when dealing with Kyoutani, but he never put any force behind the expressions.  Today, the strongest emotion on Yahaba’s face was confusion, and Kyoutani didn’t like that.

“Why did you come here?”  Kyoutani decided to break the silence after Yahaba did nothing more than stare at him for a good, strong minute.

Yahaba’s brow furrowed, and he let out a little indignant huff. “Because you’ve been ignoring me at school.  You know I’ve been wanting to talk to you, but you keep running away.”

Kyoutani crossed his arms over his chest and turned his head away so Yahaba couldn’t look at him straight on anymore.  “Well maybe that means I didn’t want to fucking talk to you.”

Yahaba inhaled sharply, sounding as if he had been slapped.  They sat in silence again, the room suddenly feeling cold as Yahaba tried to find some words to respond.

“I just…wanted to talk to you.  About the pictures and stuff.” Yahaba glanced over Kyoutani’s shoulder, noticing the pictures pinned to the wall with tacks.  “And, I wanted to apologize for what I said to you when I was still in the hospital.  Maybe….I spoke without knowing the whole truth.  I can see now that you don’t hate me.  Or maybe, you do now but you didn’t before.”

Kyoutani shrugged his shoulders, still refusing to look Yahaba in the face.  “I don’t hate you, idiot.”

Yahaba let out a loud sigh and clutched at his chest.  “Thank god, I’m so glad.”

Kyoutani finally looked up, sensing the sincerity in Yahaba’s voice.  He was a bit confused.  Had Yahaba remembered something that made him not want Kyoutani to hate his guts?  “Why is that a good thing?”

“I just decided that I didn’t actually want you to hate me.  Is that so bad?”  Yahaba looked at Kyoutani, eyes wide and open as he searched for an answer.  He spoke again when Kyoutani didn’t answer.  “Watari’s been telling me a lot of things when I asked him.  But he says, if I want to know more about this, I have to talk to you.”

Kyoutani’s heart sunk, and his mouth tasted bitter as he realized what Yahaba’s words meant.  “You still don’t remember anything.”

Yahaba hung his head, shaking it slightly as Kyoutani watched him. “No, I don’t.”

Kyoutani growled, stifling his disappointment and anger with the sound of aggression.  “Then why _the fuck_ are you here?”

“Because!  The pictures, and all the messages you left me… after the initial shock wore off, they made me really happy…”

Kyoutani was finding it difficult to breathe.  He tried to swallow down the lump in his throat, but the action only made it sound like he was whining.  “Why should I care?  You don’t remember anything about it, so I’ve been trying to move on.”

Yahaba shrunk back, visibly hurt by Kyoutani’s words.  “But I’ve been trying to remember….I just can’t do it.”

“If you can’t remember, then it doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters!” Yahaba stood up and pushed the chair away. He grabbed Kyoutani by the shoulders and turned him towards the wall, facing their pictures.  “Those show that we had something important, and the fact that I can’t remember makes me feel like shit.  I know its hurt you more, but I just want you to help me!”

Kyoutani looked down at his lap, and gripped Yahaba’s wrists with his hands.  The taller boy relaxed slightly at his touch, only to have his hands lifted off and removed from Kyoutani’s shoulders.

“I don’t know what I can do to help you, Yahaba.  What can I do when you’ve already remembered everything but me?”

The pain in Kyoutani’s voice was tangible, and he shuddered as he tried to shake off the negative feelings he had been suppressing.  He felt the bed sink a bit as Yahaba sat down beside him.  He was close enough to touch if Kyoutani just reached out and grabbed him.  But they still sat apart, separated by a wall of silence that seemed to settle on the small room.

After their heart rates settled, and they could once again speak without shouting, Yahaba asked “Did we love each other?”

“Yeah.”  Kyoutani clasped his hands in his lap, trying to focus on the fingernails he was digging into his palms rather than the pounding he was feeling in his heart.  “Yeah, we did.”

Kyoutani felt the bed shift, and he looked up to find Yahaba staring at him.  His eyes were shiny and his bottom lip was shaking and Kyoutani wanted to reach out and kiss him and tell him it would all be alright.  But he didn’t, he just sat there like a statue as Yahaba asked his next question.

“Do you still love me?”

Kyoutani inhaled sharply, thrown off by the probing question.  He didn’t know how to answer, despite _knowing_ the answer.  Admitting it in his head made him feel weak, and he didn’t want to continue this conversation right now.

“I think you should leave.”

Yahaba sighed, and picked himself up off of Kyoutani’s bed as if his body was too heavy for him to move.  He didn’t say a word as Yahaba shuffled out of his bedroom, but Kyoutani also didn’t move until he heard the lock twist in the front door before it slammed shut.  He scrambled to his window, pulling back the dark curtains as he watched Yahaba walk down the street.  The sunlight had begun to fade, and it was difficult to keep track of him for long.  As soon as Yahaba disappeared into the orange light of the sunset, Kyoutani was overwhelmed with the desire to go get him.

To pull him back, to tell him the truth. 

To say _‘I still love you’_ , even if he wasn’t sure that that was the answer Yahaba wanted to hear.

But Kyoutani didn’t move from the spot.  He sat on his bed looking out the window until the window sill began digging into his side, and even then he did not move.  The lights of his father’s car pulled into the driveway and Kyoutani let the curtains fall back into place before flopping onto his bed.  He kicked out of his jeans and sprawled out onto his bed like he was sleeping seconds before his old man opened his bedroom door to check if he was already home. 

When the door clicked shut once more, Kyoutani rolled onto his side and searched the floor for where his phone had fallen. The bright light of his screen blinded him when he turned it on to open up his photo album. He stared at a picture of Yahaba until his screen went black, and then he opened the file again to look at it some more.  

Yahaba coming today had probably been the absolute worst thing that could have happened.  Maybe he never would have gotten over Yahaba completely, and that would have been fine.  He might have found someone else who could put up with him and deal with him in a way that was almost as good as Yahaba. 

But, Kyoutani was scared.

No, he was fucking terrified to get close to Yahaba again.

Sure, if he spent time with him, maybe Yahaba would get all of his memories back and things would return exactly the same. 

But there was a greater chance that it wouldn’t. 

Maybe, they couldn’t figure out how to work out this new relationship and it wouldn’t last.

Getting Yahaba back to lose him again would be even worse than losing him the first time.

Or, god forbid, Yahaba never got his memories back, and after all the effort Kyoutani would undoubtedly undergo, Yahaba decided that he couldn’t learn to love Kyoutani a second time.

It’s not even like their first relationship was perfect, because it definitely was not.  Their personalities clashed, they fought all the time, and only by the grace of some higher power did they figure out how to make their relationship actually work.

But there was no guarantee that they could make it work again.

It was easier to just do nothing.  To let it be and gradually forget what it was like to be with Yahaba one step at a time.

But Kyoutani was stubborn.

He couldn’t let it be.

He wanted Yahaba to come back, to hold him and kiss him and love him, just like he did before.

He had spent all night deliberating. What he should do, and how he should handle it.  It was close to 3 am before Kyoutani opened his phone and started a new message to a number he hadn’t used in months.

_Kentarou : Yahaba. I want to help you. Just tell me what I need to do._

Kyoutani locked his phone, and let it fall to the bed beside his head.  He closed his eyes, finally feeling exhausted enough to sleep.  Unfortunately, his sleep wasn’t restful by any means as he tried to keep one ear open in case his phone began to ring.

But Yahaba didn’t answer him.


	4. Chapter 4

The screen on Kyoutani’s phone was blank when he picked it up the next morning, and it stayed blank throughout Saturday and Sunday.

By the time Monday morning rolled around, he was ready to have it out with Yahaba for ignoring him after making such a big deal out of everything.  They only had a few more weeks left of school anyway, so if Yahaba wanted to do something before he went off to college, he didn’t have time to be pissing away.  It was petty to be angry, and Kyoutani knew this, but he couldn’t help but being a little pissed off at the static silence. 

On top of everything else, he was more than a little pissed off when he saw Yahaba walking away every time he turned a corner that Monday.  It was almost like Yahaba was paying him back for ignoring him for the past couple months.

The childish display didn’t last however.  As he walked out of the building, just after he tapped on his shoes and was getting ready to head home, Yahaba grabbed him, pulling him away from school.  Yahaba’s grip on his wrist was so strong that Kyoutani didn’t question his motives.  Besides, the air was quite chill today, and Yahaba’s warm hands felt nice against his skin.

It was only once they were out of sight of the school that Yahaba stopped, breathing heavily as he rested.  Once he had composed himself, he looked at Kyoutani, cheeks red as he asked “Take me on a date.”

“Excuse me?”

“You said you’d help me.  I want you to take me on a date.”

“Oh, yeah.”  Kyoutani frowned, trying to think of something Yahaba might want to do.  “Right now?”

“Yes.”  Yahaba’s hand was still wrapped around Kyoutani’s wrist, and he tugged him closer so they were out of the middle of the sidewalk.  “I want you to take me wherever we went for our first date.”

Kyoutani rolled his eyes at the request. “You can’t be serious.”

“I’m super serious.”

Kyoutani sighed, already done with the day as he dislodged Yahaba’s hand from his wrist so he could grab his fingers and pull him along.  “Let’s get on with it then.”

Kyoutani heard Yahaba made a squawking noise of discontentment, but he ignored it in favor of feeling Yahaba’s hand against his for the first time in he couldn’t remember how long.  His grip was a little loose, on both of their parts, probably because of the hesitation.  Kyoutani wasn’t sure if this was a real date-date, or if it was just a date meant to mimic one they already had.  Kyoutani didn’t know how much of his heart he was supposed to put into it, so he just held the reigns and led them along until Yahaba said to stop.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Nope.”

Kyoutani had pulled Yahaba into a little café, the same one that they had their first date at.  It was busy all year round, being known for warm pastries and tea in the winter, and for colossal bowls of shaved ice during the summer.  When Kyoutani rejected the menu with the warm snacks in favor of the ones with the ice, Yahaba’s jaw nearly hit the table.

“But it’s so cold outside!”

“But this is what we had for our first date.” Kyoutani mimicked the whining tone of Yahaba’s voice, looking over the menu before handing it to Yahaba. “You pick.”

“Wait, no, if we’re getting shave ice in the winter, I want you to at least pick the same thing we got last time!”

“Yeah, but I let you pick last time too.  And knowing how goddamn predictable you are, you’ll pick the exact same thing.”

Yahaba huffed, sitting back in his seat with the menu and grumbling that he is _not_ predictable.  But Kyoutani watched him looking over the menu with care.  Yahaba’s brows furrowed in the same way they always did when he was reading, not so much in an angry way, but just as an expression of deep concentration.  He stuck the tip of his tongue out too in the way he always did when he was thinking about buying food.  It was a weird little quirk that Kyoutani had picked up on, but he was glad to see that Yahaba had not changed much after getting conked on the head.

Actually, the only thing that seemed different was the fact that he couldn’t remember anything about Kyoutani.

He was still quick witted and sharp tongued, and he always had something to say when Kyoutani shot something his way.  Yahaba was a little bit whinier than normal, but Kyoutani forgave that as a symptom of his confusion and prayed it would go away.  He did like it when Yahaba whined sometimes.  Hell, he used to deliberately be a brat just so Yahaba would fuss at him and give him attention.  But, even if Yahaba whined all the time, Kyoutani figured he would be okay with it eventually.

It only took Yahaba a few minutes to come to a decision, and he placed the menu on the table, pointing at his selected item. “Let’s get that.”

Kyoutani grinned and shook his head before waiving the waitress over.  When Yahaba asked what was so funny, Kyoutani simply reminded him that he was predictable as fuck.  He had picked exactly the same treat as he did during their first date.

“I’m kind of surprised you remember that honestly….”  Yahaba stuck his hands under his thighs as they waited, cocking his head to one side as he observed Kyoutani.  “I wouldn’t have expected that from you.”

“Hey, I’m not the one who was stupid enough to get a concussion.”

“Hey! Don’t be mean. I’m injured.” Yahaba dramatically leaned against the window, one hand pressed to his forehead as if he was still getting headaches.  Kyoutani knew he wasn’t, as Watari had been kindly updating him on Yahaba’s physical condition.  “But still, when did we go on our first date? It must have been a while ago.”

Kyoutani looked down at the table, picking at the tacky lacy table cloth. “It was in June.”

“Oh wow. That explains the shave ice then.”

“Yeah.  We went after practice one day.  It wasn’t planned or anything but you kept bitching until I agreed to call it a date.”

Yahaba pulled his hands out from underneath his legs and leaned forward against the table, hanging on to Kyoutani’s every word. “Did you have fun?”

“Yeah, I guess so. Or I wouldn’t be here now.”  Kyoutani ducked his head down, hoping Yahaba wouldn’t see the burning in his cheeks.  He was obviously unsuccessful as Yahaba cooed out ‘awwwwe’ and tried to get him to pick his face back up.

When Kyoutani finally looked at him despite the embarrassment, he didn’t see a taunting or teasing face.  He saw Yahaba, looking genuinely sad and a little bit strained as he tried to pull something out of his memory.

“I wish I could remember it.” Yahaba’s voice came out as a whisper, barely audible to Kyoutani as his lips moved. 

“I do too.”

They sat in uncomfortable silence until the waitress returned with their order.  Neither of them knew what to say, and Kyoutani was worried his voice would crack if he tried to reveal too many of his feelings.  Of course he wanted Yahaba to remember.  He wasn’t going to deny that he didn’t.  He just…didn’t know what to say.  He wanted to reach out and take Yahaba’s hand, but each time he got close enough to do so, Yahaba would pull away. It may be out of reflex caused by a nervous Yahaba who was still back in March when it came to their relationship.

But it still stung, being rejected in such a simple way.

At least he was trying though.

 At least Yahaba was trying.

Kyoutani decided to ignore Yahaba pulling his hand away.  It was better to focus on the date for now, where Yahaba was with him willingly.  He couldn’t shake the odd giddy feeling that Yahaba wanted this, no matter what his reasoning for wanting to remember was.

Yahaba had wanted to go on a date with him, and he felt like he was in no position to deny.

“Why aren’t you eating anything? You ordered this damn thing.”

Yahaba frowned, spoon in his mouth after eating maybe one bite of the shave ice he had ordered. “It’s too cold.”

“Yeah, no shit. It’s ice.” Kyoutani pulled the spoon out of Yahaba’s mouth, scooping up a bit of the brightly colored ice.  He held it out, pressing the spoon against Yahaba’s closed lips. “Open up.”

Almost immediately, Yahaba obeyed, popping open his mouth as he accepted the sweet.  He closed his lips and Kyoutani pulled the spoon away, watching Yahaba’s face. 

“This is my favorite.” Yahaba had his eyes closed, savoring the bite that was melting on his tongue.  Kyoutani couldn’t help but crack a little smile at the content look on Yahaba’s face.  It had been way too long since he’d seen the soft smile and heard those pleased sighs. 

The look was gone as soon as Yahaba opened his eyes.

“Good, cuz I can’t eat it all myself.”  Kyoutani tried to hand the spoon back to Yahaba, but he refused to take it.

“I want it to be like a real date.” Yahaba tapped his lips before opening them, waiting patiently for Kyoutani to spoon another serving into his mouth.

“I didn’t feed you last time we came here though.  It won’t be like the last date.”

“So?”

Kyoutani shrugged, obliging to Yahaba’s wishes as he continued to feed Yahaba the fruity ice from their shared bowl.  He stopped eating off of his own spoon so that he could focus on the person in front of him, but Yahaba didn’t really seem to mind.  Yahaba had never really minded things like that.  As long as he was being treated and pampered, Yahaba used to let Kyoutani do whatever he wanted.

They hadn’t even gotten half-way through their ice before Yahaba declared he was too cold to go on.  They were sitting near the door, as they had when they had their first date, so each time it opened, they were hit with an icy blast of air. It seemed to only be getting colder, so Kyoutani ordered something warm for them to take home before he paid. 

“It seems like it’s about to storm pretty badly.”  Yahaba walked beside him as they left the café.  They didn’t really live close to each other, but they still had a few more minutes together before they had to split.

“Yeah it does.”  Kyoutani tucked his face into the collar of his jacket, bracing himself against the cold as another gust of wind tried to cut through them.

“You don’t really like thunderstorms, right?”  Yahaba looked down at Kyoutani, his cheeks and lips rosy from the chill.

Kyoutani was shocked.  That was something he had divulged to Yahaba pretty early on in their relationship, and it’s something that Yahaba always kept in mind each time it stormed.  “How do you remember that?”

“Because of training camp, right before spring high last year. Remember? You were grouchy the entire time because it stormed three of the four nights we were there.”

“Oh. Yeah.”  Kyoutani tried to keep his head up, but he couldn’t look at Yahaba right now. What a tease.

Yahaba seemed to understand Kyoutani’s sudden silence.  They were walking close enough together that Kyoutani could feel his shoulders tense as he let out a shuddering breath.  “I’m sorry, Kyoutani.”

Kyoutani shrugged, trying to roll the disappointment off his back.  “It’s not your fault.”

“It sure feels like my fault.”

They dragged their feet to a stop as they reached their parting point.  Kyoutani knew they wouldn’t walk each other home, and he felt positively drained as he tried to hold himself together and act appropriately during their date.  But Yahaba seemed reluctant to leave, so Kyoutani knew he had to say something.

“Hey.” Kyoutani punctuated the world with a sharp punch to Yahaba’s shoulder.  It wasn’t enough to hurt, but it seemed to catch Yahaba off guard as he stumbled around before facing Kyoutani with a glare.  “See, stupid!  This is why you got a fucking concussion in the first place. You can’t stand on your own two feet.”

Yahaba gripped Kyoutani’s arm as he steadied himself before pulling his arm back for a light punch of his own. “Don’t be such a jerk.”

“You deserve it sometimes.” Kyoutani chuckled as Yahaba gasped out that he deserved no such treatment.  But Kyoutani just shook his head and sighed.  “Well, if this didn’t work. The date, I mean.  We can try again, if you want to…”

Kyoutani stared at the ground, toeing a dried leaf into the sidewalk as they stood in silence.  He felt his face heat up, almost surprised at the suggestion that came out of his own mouth.  When Yahaba said nothing, he looked up again.

“I said I’d fucking help you, okay?  And if you don’t want help anymore that’s fine but I’m also not going to hang around if you’re not trying to remember shit anymore.”

“I still want to remember.”  Yahaba’s voice was a soft whisper, and Kyoutani might not have heard it if the wind had been blowing in a different direction.

Kyoutani rubbed the back of his arm across his face as if he was wiping his nose to cover the stain of blush on his face.  “Then I’ll still help you.”

“Thank you.”

Another pause, another silence.  But this time, it didn’t feel so strained.  They had come to some sort of agreement on how to work this through.  Yahaba would keep trying until he gave up, Kyoutani would keep trying until it hurt too much.  He didn’t say that, but knowing Yahaba, his message got across just fine.

Yahaba broke the silence first, mumbling “I should probably get home before it starts to rain.  I don’t need to be slipping and hitting my head again if it gets icy.”

Kyoutani barked out a laugh, nearly spilling the drink he had forgotten about as he shook with laughter.  He agreed that he should try to get home before his dad. 

They found themselves at an impasse as they attempted to part, however.  How do they say goodbye when they are nothing more than acquaintances? Did Yahaba even consider him a friend at this point? Or just someone who knew more of his memories from the last year than he did?

Kyoutani would’ve hugged him months ago.  Kissed him goodbye and squeezed his ass if Yahaba had been particularly obnoxious that day.

“See you at school tomorrow?” Kyoutani didn’t mean it to come out like a question, but Yahaba ignored it.  He simply nodded in agreement before patting Kyoutani’s arm and beginning his walk home.  Kyoutani sighed, a little bit of tension falling from his body as he moved to do the same.

Yahaba calling his name from down the street stopped him in his tracks.  He turned around slowly, half expecting to see Yahaba running down the road to catch up with him once again.

But instead, Yahaba was standing at the corner of the next block over, where Kyoutani knew he would turn to go home to his family.  His hands were still cupped over his mouth from his last shout.

“If you get scared of the storm tonight, call me!”

Kyoutani rolled his eyes as the first drop of icy rain hit his nose.  He nearly didn’t respond, but as soon as he had his back turned towards Yahaba, Kyoutani stuck his middle finger straight up over his head so that the other boy would be sure to see.

Yahaba’s loud laugh reached him even from down the street, warming him slightly right before thunder clashed around them and the sky began to fall down.

\-----

Kyoutani covered his head with the thickest blanket he could find, hoping to block out some of the flashes of lightning as his windows shook with each clap of thunder.  The storm was only teasing him when he had split with Yahaba earlier that day, and he had been able to get a few hours of sleep before the thunder woke him up.  He was simply trying to ignore it now, hoping that if he couldn’t see the flashes of light then he could possibly return to sleep.

Ten minutes after the thunder woke him up, Kyoutani’s phone began to buzz.  He pulled it out from beneath his pillow to see the first message he had received from Yahaba since the accident.

_Shigeru : is the storm keeping you awake?_

Kyoutani rolled onto his side, facing away from the window so that he could reply.

_Kentarou : it just woke me up_

_Kentarou : why are you awake tho, you usually like rain_

It didn’t take Yahaba long to reply, showing Kyoutani that for some reason, he was up at nearly 2 o’clock in the morning.

_Shigeru : ah its just my sister. the storm woke her up, and now she’s trying to convince me to let her sleep in my bed._

_Shigeru : brb. Im going to go get some blankets and things so she can sleep on my floor. she kicks in her sleep_

Kyoutani grinned as he remembered how close Yahaba was with his little sister.  She was seven years old, or wait, maybe she had turned eight since the last time Kyoutani saw her.  She had been terrified of Kyoutani when she first met him, but quickly warmed up to him after he and Yahaba had taken her to get ice cream and to play in the park.  She looked just like a littler version of Yahaba too, with a soft face and long, smooth hair.  Kyoutani kind of missed seeing her around since he didn’t have any siblings of his own.

_Shigeru : she says she misses you.  She’s been mad for weeks that you didn’t come to her birthday party_

Kyoutani snorted, pleased that the little girl still remembered him even though it had been a while since they last saw each other.

_Kentarou : tell her ill bring her a cupcake or something after school tomorrow_

_Shigeru : awwwwe if you wanted to spend more time with me, you shouldve just said something kyoutani_

Kyoutani felt himself blush, despite being the only person in the room. 

_Kentarou : fuck that. your sister has always been nicer to me than you, so she gets a fucking cupcake_

_Shigeru : well fine, be that way._

Kyoutani waited a few minutes, hoping Yahaba would say something else.  He always hated messaging him rather than calling because Yahaba’s voice was so laced with sarcasm that it was difficult to tell sometimes whether or not he was joking.  He figured he hadn’t actually said anything too terrible to make Yahaba angry with him, so he tried to let it slide.

_Kentarou : see you at school tomorrow?_

_Shigeru : of course!_

Kyoutani let out a sigh of relief, the positive answer immediately making him feel a little bit better.  Now wasn’t the time to be making Yahaba angry.

_Shigeru : eat lunch with watari and I tomorrow. youve been being an ass by ignoring him too_

_Kentarou : yeah, thats fine I will_

_Shigeru : good.  Im going to try to sleep again since my sister has already started snoring_

_Shigeru : night kyoutani!_

Kyoutani sighed before beginning to type back his response.  He found himself pressing the buttons to write out ‘love you’ before he deleted it all and simply shot back “goodnight”.

It was still too early for that.  Too early for Yahaba to hear it again.  Kyoutani didn’t want to make him think anything weird, or make him feel bad if he didn’t grow feelings back.

So, for now he just needed to keep it to himself.  Yahaba didn’t need to know.

Kyoutani stowed his phone back under his pillow after making sure the alarm was actually set for once.  He pulled his cover off of his head, finally overcome by the stifling heat of the blanket to find that his walls were no longer being lit up by lightning. He sat up, looking out of the window to check the weather.  The rain had finally stopped, and everything looked warm and shiny as the yellow glow of the street lamp shined upon the road.  It was comforting enough for Kyoutani to fall back into bed, no longer bothered by the storm.

It may feel frigid when he stepped out of the front door the next morning, but for now, the warmth of the light kept him comfortable and content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My favorite headcannons are Yahaba as a big brother headcannons. He would be the sweetest guy ever with a baby sister, and until proven otherwise, I will continue writing him with one. 
> 
> Thanks everyone who has subscribed, left kudos, or commented so far! I really enjoy reading everything you guys have had to say so far, and I hope this chapter lived up to the standards~


	5. Chapter 5

Kyoutani had lunch with Yahaba and Watari for the rest of the school year.  He bought cupcakes for Yahaba’s sister.  He spoke with Yahaba’s father for the first time since he stormed out of the hospital, and he was welcomed into their home as if he had never left.

Kyoutani took Yahaba on more dates, most of them to the same locations as their first dates.  They went to movies that they picked randomly out of a newspaper they found on the ground.  They ate dinner at the food court in the mall when they were too broke to do anything else. They met for coffee before school and then walked together, their hands brushing as they walked because Kyoutani was still too nervous to attempt much more.

It was a week before graduation. 

Yahaba still hadn’t remembered a damn thing.

Yahaba had turned 18, they celebrated with their old team, and Yahaba’s father invited Kyoutani to dinner with his family.  Yahaba had been there when Kyoutani was asked, and he looked away shyly with a pink blush staining his cheeks.  Kyoutani didn’t know why he looked like that, but he accepted the invitation as Yahaba’s little sister tugged at his hand.

It felt like things were returning to normal.  Like maybe they were actually dating once again.  But Kyoutani never dared to call Yahaba his boyfriend, and he did not dare ask what Yahaba now thought of him. 

They had been making progress, but Kyoutani knew they were simply trying to recapture old memories, as opposed to moving on from the loss of them.  Instead of talking about anything new, Yahaba simply asked about what things he had forgotten.  What had they done at this location? Did Kyoutani think they had fun?  Did they come back more than once?

Kyoutani was happy to answer all of Yahaba’s questions.  As happy as he could be.  He was getting to spend time with Yahaba, but he couldn’t tell if Yahaba was changing at all.  He didn’t want Yahaba to change in any major way, but he did wish if he could tell if Yahaba was falling in love with him again.

Kyoutani was somewhat surprised when Yahaba asked him for a new kind of date on their last weekend before graduation. 

“I just want to go somewhere we’ve never gone before, Kyoutani!”  Yahaba’s eyes were wide and bright as he proposed his idea.  Yahaba sat so close to him that Kyoutani could smell him, just the soft scent of laundry detergent and melon that Yahaba always carried.  But he was still so far that Kyoutani did not feel right touching.  “Maybe, if we do something new, rather than trying to do old things, it’ll finally work itself out!”

Kyoutani was doubtful.  He had given up any rightful hope that anything would change with the state of Yahaba’s memory a couple of weeks ago, but he never dared to say anything.  If Kyoutani gave up, Yahaba would give up, and that would spell the end of their new, odd little relationship.

Kyoutani wasn’t ready for the end of their time together.

“This will be our last date before graduation you know….”

Kyoutani grumbled, not really wanting to be reminded.  Yahaba had been trying to bring up graduation for the past week, but Kyoutani wasn’t ready for that conversation. No, he didn’t know what he was going to do yet.  Yes, he had sent in applications for a few schools far away from here, but he didn’t know if he could afford them.  No, he didn’t want to talk about it right now.

“I just want it to be special, Kyoutani….if you’re busy, just tell me and I’ll think of something else.”

“No.”  Kyoutani shook his head, trying to cut Yahaba off from saying anything else.  “I want to go, just tell me when to pick you up tomorrow.”

Yahaba smiled and laughed as he gave Kyoutani a one armed hug as he let out one of his little secrets about the next day’s date.  Kyoutani almost shrugged his arm away before accepting it, and he just nodded along with all of Yahaba’s plans.

Yahaba’s smile was brilliant.  It changed his whole face.  Kyoutani had always thought he was handsome, even when he was being so irritating that he couldn’t see straight, but there was something about that smile that elevated his appearance to the next level.  Kyoutani always loved when it was directed at him.

Sometimes, Kyoutani wondered if Yahaba ever stopped smiling.  Because recently, Yahaba was smiling when they parted, and when they reconvened the next morning, he still had that gorgeous smile on his face.

The next day was no different when he picked Yahaba up at 9 am on the dot.  Yahaba greeted him at the door with one of his award winning smiles and a finger pressed to his lips.

“I hope it’s alright that I don’t invite you inside. Everyone’s still sleeping.”

Kyoutani nodded, stunned silent by Yahaba’s warm smile on a chilly morning. 

Yahaba grabbed his arm, pulling him along down the street to the train station.  They were going into the city to see some obscure play that Yahaba had never told him he liked.  Yahaba had been asking probing questions all week to figure out just what Kyoutani knew about him that he didn’t remember sharing, and luckily, his favorite play was one of those things.  Kyoutani was never much a fan of plays or musicals or any kind of artsy fartsy things really, but he was happy to accompany Yahaba even though he figured he’d be bored out of his mind.  The group that was putting on the performance was only due to be nearby for this weekend, and Yahaba was determined to see them before his opportunity passed.

Kyoutani knew it was kind of dumb, but he was really happy to see that there were still things to be learned about Yahaba.  He knew they were young, and there was no way that he could have absorbed 18 years of information in the few months they spent dating, but after a while, it just felt like they _knew_ each other.  Their likes and dislikes, their favorite foods and favorite movies.  But this silly little thing was something he never even thought to ask about.

He was glad that he did not know everything about Yahaba.  If he knew everything, then this experience wouldn’t have been half as fun as he already found it to be.  Most of their dates so far had consisted of Yahaba making a statement, simply for Kyoutani to respond with an “I know.”

Because for the most part, Kyoutani did know.  He knew many of the ins and outs that made up Yahaba Shigeru.  He knew essentially all of the things Yahaba could think to tell him about himself on a first date.  It was hard to not make it sound like he was bragging, because he wasn’t. He still hated that they had to rehash all of these things that they had already talked about so many times.

Many of their new dates resulted in Kyoutani talking a lot more about himself than he was usually comfortable with.  He knew it had to be this way though, because even if he remembers, Yahaba doesn’t.  He didn’t know that Kyoutani’s favorite color was green or that he almost always adds cinnamon to his rice even if it doesn’t go with the rest of his meal or that he couldn’t sleep the night before a game. 

So many of the things that had happened between them Kyoutani had blocked out because he had decided that if Yahaba didn’t remember it, it didn’t happen.  He could go on forever about the things he knew about Yahaba, but sometimes, he just let Yahaba talk because he knew it was important.  He wanted Yahaba to at least have the feeling of telling Kyoutani about something so near and dear to his heart. 

But for once, he still had something to learn.  All the way to the city, Yahaba talked about why this had always been his favorite show, and about how movie versions always fell flat.  How he had wanted to be an actor at first because he wanted to be as loved as the actor who got famous for playing the lead, but how he decided he couldn’t when his voice always cracked when he tried to sing the high notes.  Kyoutani remarked that he didn’t know Yahaba could sing, and Yahaba promised to show him later when they weren’t in such a crowded place.

They arrived at the venue about an hour early and got to stand inside the front hall until they opened the doors to the theatre.  Yahaba rocked back and forth from his toes to his heels in anticipation, and Kyoutani began to get excited as well just from the pure energy rolling off of his companion.  He liked watching Yahaba excited.  It wasn’t a sight many people got to see as Yahaba always tried to remain passive and reserved.   Kyoutani never understood why he hid himself like that.  He would have a lot more friends if he showed everyone just how cheerful and friendly he could actually be.

But, on a second thought, Kyoutani didn’t think he minded much that Yahaba kept this part of his personality to himself.  He liked being one of the few people who got the privilege of seeing Yahaba this way.

Kyoutani tried to pay attention for the first two acts.  He really did.  He knew this was important to Yahaba, but the theatrics of a live stage play was never something that could keep his attention for long.  He found himself paying much more attention to Yahaba’s reactions than anything.  Kyoutani followed the tension and relaxation of Yahaba’s shoulders as the action on stage sped up before receding.  He watched the way Yahaba’s lips silently rounded out the words the actors were speaking.  Kyoutani chuckled to himself whenever Yahaba’s brows furrowed because the actors misspoke or said a line in a way that Yahaba thought was wrong.

When the lights came back up at intermission, Yahaba stood up and stretched his arms over his head.  He grinned down at Kyoutani, who was trying to make it less obvious that he had been watching Yahaba instead of the show.

“Having fun so far?”

“Yeah it’s interesting.” Kyoutani rubbed his chin and looked down at the stage, trying to come up with some sort of commentary that would please Yahaba.  “I liked the one guy, with the blue pants.”

“It’s okay if you haven’t been paying attention, Kyoutani. I’m just really happy that you came with me.” 

Kyoutani turned his head down, trying to distract himself from the way Yahaba still towered over him.  He was always taller than Kyoutani, and that normally didn’t bother him.  But it was a little bit different when Kyoutani was sitting while Yahaba stood above him. At least he got a good view of him from this angle.

Before the intermission ended, Yahaba excused himself to the restroom while Kyoutani saved their seats.  He returned just before the lights went down, and nearly fell into Kyoutani’s lap as he moved towards his seat.  Yahaba patted the back of Kyoutani’s hand in apology before moving back to his own armrest.

It was such a simple, innocent gesture.  Yahaba patting his hand like he didn’t know it would send sparks to his brain, nearly causing Kyoutani to pass out from the force of the blush in his cheeks.  Yahaba’s hand sitting beside his on the armrest really kept him distracted from the show even though they weren’t directly touching. 

Halfway through Act 3, Yahaba leaned across the armrest to whisper in Kyoutani’s ear.  His breath was warm and his lips barely brushed the side of his face as he misjudged the distance in the dark.

“I want you to hold my hand.”

If Kyoutani had been drinking anything at the time, he probably would have choked on it as he tried to will his body to move at Yahaba’s request.  Yahaba’s hand was already waiting and open for him to grab.  All he had to do was slip his fingers in between and that was it.

Kyoutani must have hesitated too long as Yahaba’s fingers started closing in on themselves.  Before he moved his hand away completely, Kyoutani grabbed Yahaba by the wrist with his opposite hand.  He forced their palms together neatly before letting Yahaba’s wrist go.

Yahaba snickered beside him before rearranging their hands to make them slightly more comfortable on the hard armrest.  Kyoutani indulged himself by squeezing Yahaba’s fingers, enjoying a feeling he had not allowed himself to partake in since he and Yahaba started going on dates again.  He supposed he could have tried again earlier, but Yahaba was always the more forward one.

Yahaba was the first one to confess, and he was he first one to hold hands.  He was the first one to suggest a date, and the first one to initiate a kiss afterwards.  He was always more aware of his feelings than Kyoutani was, and was always ready to take those first steps before Kyoutani.

He supposed this time was a bit different, because Kyoutani already knew that he loved Yahaba.  He was just waiting for the other boy to catch up, if he ever did catch up.  Yahaba would take those first steps when he was ready, and until then, Kyoutani would wait.

Yahaba held his hand for the rest of the show.  He held on as they walked out of the theatre and down the street they’ve never been on to a restaurant they’ve never tried.  Yahaba probably would’ve tried to continue holding hands all throughout dinner if the table they were seated at was narrow enough to accommodate their arms. Kyoutani could tell that Yahaba was determined to make this date comfortable, yet still changing it up enough that it was different from every other time they’ve gone out together.  However, Kyoutani felt the most comfort in the hand that he held in his own.

They rejoined hands as they left the restaurant and walked towards the train station.  Kyoutani wasn’t ready to part from Yahaba just yet, but he was grateful that they had a bit more time to just sit with each other and talk, even if they were surrounded by strangers. 

The walk from train to Yahaba’s home was faster than Kyoutani would have liked.  A brisk spring wind had begun picking up as the evening dragged on, and neither were dressed to withstand the chill air for very long.  They paused at Yahaba’s front door once they arrived, standing face to face with their joined hands held in between them.

Yahaba was looking at Kyoutani as if he had something he needed to say.   His eyes seemed troubled as he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, but in typical Yahaba fashion, he never made a move to actually speak.

Before the strain between them got to be too much, Kyoutani tugged Yahaba forward just enough to pull him into a hug.  “I had fun-“

“Would you like to spend the night?”   Yahaba’s voice was so loud, it was very nearly a scream in Kyoutani’s ear.  He pulled away from their embrace, shooting Yahaba with a questioning stare.  “My parents are here, but, they said you could spend the night! Since the walk to your house is pretty far and I don’t want you to have to walk so far in the dark and cold.”

Kyoutani knew that that was probably not the real reason Yahaba was asking him to spend the night, but he did not feel like denying himself of Yahaba that evening.  Maybe, this would be the last straw that snapped Yahaba’s memories back into existence.  Maybe this was exactly what they needed to get back to where they left off.

Yahaba led him inside, first greeting his little sister playing with toys in the front entry way, and then his parents in the living room.  Yahaba’s father gave him a welcoming smile and a pat on the back.  His mother assured him that he was never a bother, and always welcome in their home as long as he kept their Shigeru happy.  Yahaba whined at them both to cut it out before dragging Kyoutani down the hall towards his bedroom.

The small room was much the same as when Kyoutani was last there.  The bed was neatly made with hospital corners and the pillows perfectly fluffed.  The closet was actually shut with no clothes spilling out, very unlike Kyoutani’s own room.  There was no trash or et cetera scattered about, and Kyoutani wouldn’t doubt that if he ran his finger across the very top of Yahaba’s bookshelf, his hand would come away cleaner simply because of the experience.  The only difference Kyoutani noted was that all of Yahaba’s pictures were no longer tacked beside his desk, but rather, they sat in a pile on top of them.

Yahaba asked Kyoutani what he would like to do first, and when he only received a grunt in response, Yahaba simply chose to put in a movie.  It was one Kyoutani had told Yahaba was their favorite, and Kyoutani had seen it more times than he could count.  But he was happy either way because he got to sit on Yahaba’s bed once more and watch it with him.

Their hands sat on the bed between them, and after ten minutes of the movie, Kyoutani took Yahaba’s hand in his own once more.  He heard Yahaba let out a breathy little sigh, and when he turned to see if he was alright, Kyoutani saw the most beautiful, shy little smile gracing Yahaba’s face.  His lips were turned in, pressed tight together as he tried not to _really_ smile, but a little bit of his happiness leaked out into the room.  Kyoutani couldn’t help but smile in response, even with the saddest scene of the entire movie playing before them. 

The movie played out and the room went dark as the credits began to roll.  Kyoutani ran his thumb over the back over Yahaba’s hand, not wanting to let go but not quite sure what to do now.  After a few moments of comfortable silence, Yahaba let out a loud sigh and tipped over, plopping his head down onto Kyoutani’s shoulder.

“Kyoutani?”  Yahaba’s voice was soft, much smaller than Kyoutani was used to.  But in the silence of the room, he heard it perfectly.

“Yeah?”

“Will you do something for me?”

Kyoutani shrugged, unintentionally jostling Yahaba’s head with the action.  “It depends on what it is.”

Yahaba hummed and went quiet.  Kyoutani was sure he was done with the conversation before Yahaba spoke up again once more.

“Will you kiss me?”

Kyoutani tensed at the unexpected question.  He didn’t know where Yahaba was getting at with his inquiries, but Kyoutani never thought it would have been this.  But he knew Yahaba hated to be kept waiting, or he’d think he had been rejected.

“Yeah. Shit, of course.”  Kyoutani let go of Yahaba’s hand so he could easily turn his body to face the other boy.  He noticed that one of Yahaba’s cheeks was pinker than the other from where it had been resting on Kyoutani’s shoulder.  Without thinking, he reached out to cup the pink cheek in his hand, feeling the warmth of Yahaba’s face with his fingertips.

Yahaba’s eyes slipped closed at the touch, and he leaned forward slightly as he waited for Kyoutani to meet him halfway. 

Kyoutani leaned in, no longer able to resist the temptation when Yahaba was so freely giving him what he wanted for so long.  To just be able to be close to him once again, even if it was just an innocent little kiss. 

The first brush of lips was innocent, barely enough to actually be considered a kiss.  But Kyoutani felt Yahaba’s soft sigh against his lips, and he pressed forward again, this time actually sealing their mouths together in a new first kiss.  Kyoutani was pleased as Yahaba leaned into the kiss as well, muscle memory taking over as they quickly fell into their old rhythm of sweet pecks and deep kisses.  Yahaba’s arms found their way to Kyoutani’s shoulders and Yahaba gripped his shirt with all the strength he could muster.  Kyoutani felt himself shaking with delight as he pulled Yahaba closer, his fingers tangling in the back of Yahaba’s hair as he tried to deepen the kiss.

But Kyoutani’s face felt wet, and he quickly realized he was not the only one shaking as Yahaba’s unsteady fingers dug into the back of his neck.  They parted from their kiss and Yahaba ducked his face down, hiding it in Kyoutani’s neck.

“What’s wrong?”  Kyoutani ran his fingers though Yahaba’s soft hair, smoothing down the mess he made seconds before.

Yahaba whined before he lifted his face enough so that his voice could be heard. “I can’t remember…”

“I know.”  Kyoutani pressed his face against Yahaba’s hair, breathing him in to calm himself.

“I’m so sorry.”  Yahaba’s voice cracked as he let out a sob.  Kyoutani could only pull him in tighter, pressing Yahaba against his chest as he cried.

“It’s not your fault.”

“Yes it _is_ though.  How can I remember everything else but you?”

Kyoutani felt his chest shake as he breathed in.  “I don’t know.”

“What are we going to _do_?  I don’t know how I can keep going on like this….”

“What do you mean, Yahaba?”  Kyoutani bit his tongue, trying his best not to make assumptions before he knew for sure what Yahaba wanted.

“I just….wanted so badly to remember.  So that we could go back to where we left off.  I don’t know….having all of our old pictures and messages still saved in my phone makes me so happy that I don’t want to lose that.”

“But…?” Yahaba had stopped speaking, but Kyoutani knew there was something more hanging on to the end of Yahaba’s thought.

Yahaba lifted his head from Kyoutani’s neck.  He had stopped sobbing, but streaks of tears still ran down his cheeks.  “Do you love me, Kyoutani?”

That damn question again.  Kyoutani felt his heart clench and his skin go cold, because once again, he wasn’t sure how to answer.  Of course he did.  He loved Yahaba.  He never stopped loving him.  But why did Yahaba make everything so difficult?”

“I…wouldn’t have been doing all of this bullshit for you if I didn’t.”

Yahaba laughed, a genuine ringing little laugh before his face became solemn once more.  “Thank you…. I really appreciate all that you’ve done.  I wish….I wish I could say that I loved you too.”

Even though Kyoutani knew this was the case, it still didn’t stop him from feeling like he had just been punched in the chest.  “You don’t love me.”

“I’m sorry….but I do like you….in a way that makes me feel like maybe I could love you?”  Yahaba shook his head and pulled out of Kyoutani’s grasp.  “I’m sorry, I just know…that maybe if I remembered, I could remember to love you again too?  After all the kindness you’ve shown me, I just know you don’t deserve what I’ve put you through.”

“So, what? That’s it then?”  Kyoutani could tell his voice came out harsher than he meant it to just from the look on Yahaba’s face.  He took a deep breath and sighed before he tried to speak again.  “What do you want, Yahaba?”

“I don’t know-”

“Cuz I can tell you what I fucking want.  I don’t give a fuck if you want to give up on finding your old memories.” Kyoutani pushed himself off the bed and turned back around so he could face Yahaba.  “I don’t care about that.  I thought I did, but seeing you so hung up on it made me realize, it didn’t matter.”

“Kyoutani….”

“So _what_ if you never get those memories back.  I can tell you all you’d ever want to fucking know.  So what if you don’t love me right now?  Are you at least trying?”

Yahaba’s nostril’s flared, looking almost offended at the notion that he wasn’t. “Of course I am! I’ve been trying this whole time to get the memories back so I could love you again.”

“But why?”

Yahaba looked to his lap, his face softening as he considered the question. “Why? Because I already loved you-”

“Yeah but is what we did before really why you loved me?” Kyoutani crossed his arms across his chest,

“I don’t…I don’t know because I don’t-”

“Yeah, you don’t remember. I know.” Kyoutani sighed, letting some tension out of his body before he held out a hand.  Yahaba scooted forward until his legs were hanging off the bed and grasped Kyoutani’s hand with one of his own.  “But, what if we just started over.  It’s not like those things didn’t happen, but the fact that you don’t remember isn’t going to stop more things from happening. Unless you let it.”

Yahaba raised an eyebrow, not quite sure what Kyoutani was getting at. “What do you mean?”

“I mean… fuck, Yahaba.  Let’s just try to date again or something?” Kyoutani dropped Yahaba’s hand to press his own against his chest.  “You didn’t love me when we started dating the first time, so it doesn’t fucking matter if you don’t love me when we date again.”

“But Kyoutani….you do love me.” Yahaba’s voice was weak, and Kyoutani felt compelled to reach out and wipe a stray tear away from his face.

“Yeah, So? I’m not going to stop just because you don’t feel the same way.” Kyoutani lowered his voice, making sure that he was looking Yahaba straight in the eyes.  “It’s so fucking stupid to keep torturing yourself like this when we can just try again.  And if it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out.  But at least we tried.”

“At least we tried….” Yahaba repeated his last sentence as Kyoutani finished speaking, playing it over on his tongue.  Kyutani considered Yahaba for a moment, watching him sitting on the bed, thinking about what was going to happen next before Kyoutani finally decided for them.

Kyoutani leaned down, taking Yahaba’s face between his hands as he kissed him.  It was different than their last kiss, which was all hurried lips and desperation.  This kiss was soft, gentle like a promise, but firm enough to finally get Yahaba to stop crying. Yahaba pulled himself up, wrapping his arms around Kyoutani’s neck as they held themselves against each other.

Their kiss was slow to build, and even slower to part.  They refused to let go once they finally ended their kiss, finding a way to end up horizontal in Yahaba’s bed without parting.  Kyoutani held Yahaba’s head against his chest, stroking his hair until his face was dry.  Yahaba was the first to break the quiet, his voice barely enough to make a croak in the dark room.

“I want to try.”

“Are you sure?” Kyoutani pulled Yahaba’s face away from his chest, examining his watery eyes for a hint of indecisiveness.

“I’m sure.  I don’t remember anyone ever trying this hard for me….and I don’t want to lose you.”

Kyoutani felt a familiar burn come back to his cheeks, one that always appeared when Yahaba got too cheesy for him to handle.  He pulled Yahaba up so that both of their heads were on Yahaba’s pillow. Kyoutani felt Yahaba’s fingers on the side of his face, and he closed his eyes, suddenly feeling exhausted after the calming touch graced his skin.

“Do you think I can do it?”  Yahaba’s voice cut through the silence again, rousing a sleepy Kyoutani from the comfortable moment.

“Do what?”

Yahaba clicked his tongue, one of his typical signs of annoyance, and Kyoutani couldn’t help but grin.

“Do you think I can love you again?”

Kyoutani considered the question briefly because he did not want to consider the other possibilities. 

“Of course you can.  You’re so goddamn stubborn that you could learn to love a fucking rock if you tried hard enough.”

Kyoutani laughed as Yahaba punched his shoulder.  He threw an arm around him and pulled him close, refusing to let go even as Yahaba pretended to struggle.  The rolled around Yahaba’s bed, pretending to fight until Kyoutani pushed him down, holding Yahaba beneath him.  Kyoutani leaned down, decisively ending the scuffle and the conversation as he covered Yahaba’s mouth with his own.  He felt Yahaba wrap his arms around his shoulders, pulling him down until their bodies lay pressed together, and the only thing left between them was an air of comfort and hope.

Because this was going to be okay, Kyoutani decided.  And it seemed like Yahaba had decided this too.  It wasn’t the same, and it would probably never be the same again.

But, if they were going to try to reclaim everything that had almost slipped out from between their fingers, this was a pretty good place to start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go :,) I dont ever want to end this


	6. Chapter 6

Sunlight carded through the window as Kyoutani rolled out of bed.  His bones ached and his muscles groaned as he curled his toes in the thick carpet of his new apartment.  He had moved in the day before, with little help from anyone besides the person who was currently absent from his bed.

Yahaba had always been an early riser but damn.  Kyoutani was still tired, even after a full night’s sleep plus however many hours he’d been in bed since the sun came up.  Kyoutani at least expected Yahaba to wake him before he got out of bed, but his space under the sheets was cool and flat, almost as if Yahaba had attempted to fix the blankets with Kyoutani still under them.

After graduation from high school, Kyoutani finally decided to attend college wherever Yahaba saw fit.  He didn’t really have any plans or desires or dreams that helped him pick out a place to go.  So, he just figured that it only made sense to follow his boyfriend to where ever he wanted, and then let the pieces fall where they may.  It didn’t take long for Kyoutani to figure out that maybe college wasn’t the place for him.  He found himself simply going to classes without direction, not making progress towards a more definitive goal.  He’d never been one to really like school, but it was the only way he knew to stay with Yahaba. 

For one year he took classes.  Just general ones meant to spike his attention and get him interested in something.  Bu, nothing really stuck and he found himself spinning his wheels more than anything.  So, during the second year after graduation, Kyoutani got a job, hoping to save up enough money so that Yahaba would feel comfortable enough living off campus with him.  He continued to take classes so that he could take advantage of the dorm situation, but ultimately, he ended up dedicating more time and effort to something that mattered more to him than school.

They finally moved in together at the end of their second year of college.  Kyoutani decided to drop out once the semester ended and began working full time.  Yahaba decided to continue going to school, and used the money he would have spent on a dorm room as rent.

Kyoutani really wouldn’t have it any other way.

He found Yahaba already in their living room when he finally shuffled his way down the hall.  He was sitting on the floor, sifting through one of their many unpacked boxes.  Kyoutani slid up beside him, picking up the mug of tea Yahaba had placed on the floor and draining it.  Yahaba must have been too tired to even sigh, because he simply patted Kyoutani’s leg as he wrapped around his back. 

“How are you feeling today?” 

Kyoutani groaned, slipping his arms around Yahaba’s waist and squeezing his stomach tightly.  “Wrecked.”

Yahaba’s laugh echoed around the room and Kyoutani pressed his face against Yahaba’s back.  Yahaba continued to unpack the box he was working on while Kyoutani held him from behind.  The silence that surrounded them was comfortable, and Kyoutani would have fallen back to sleep as he rested against Yahaba’s back if he didn’t want to savor the moment.

Even now, after two years of being together, it was rare for them to ever just sit and be together.  They were always moving, always having to do something for school or for their families or for work.  Kyoutani knew it would get better from here on out since for once they were actually living together, rather than simply living near each other.  But still, it was nice to savor the little moments just like this.

He lived for those quiet times.

When Yahaba fell asleep before he did and Kyoutani could run his fingers through his silver hair without making him whine.

When they sat beside each other at night and Kyoutani held their hands in his lap as Yahaba leaned against his shoulder.

Holding Yahaba against his chest as they unpacked boxes and started their new life together.

They had come so far since they began their new relationship.  They had grown closer than they even were before, and learned new things about each other that they may never have learned otherwise.

Kyoutani grew to appreciate Yahaba a little bit more than he probably did before, though he doubted he would ever admit a thing like that.

They tried to ignore the fact that Yahaba never remembered.  He never regained even a sliver of his old memories with Kyoutani, and they tried to convince themselves that it did not matter.  Kyoutani told him everything he wanted to know, every detail that he could remember himself.

Even though he could not remember, and at this point, probably never would remember, Kyoutani would say that he was truly happy.  He was with Yahaba, which was all he ever really wanted after the accident.  Yahaba made strides every day.  They made new memories together, and worked together to create the most out of their new relationship.

With each day, it mattered less that Yahaba had forgotten so many crucial things about their relationship.  Because with each day, Yahaba made new memories that probably would have eclipsed the old ones anyway.

Each day, everything became just the slightest bit easier.

“Hey, Shigeru?”  Kyoutani squeezed his arms around Yahaba’s stomach, only loosening up a bit when Yahaba squeaked in discomfort.

“Yeah?”

“You know I love you, right?” Kyoutani buried his face in the back of Yahaba’s shirt, nuzzling his face against his spine.

Yahaba always laughed when Kyoutani asked him that question as if it was the silliest thing he had ever heard.  Yahaba loosened Kyoutani’s grip on his waist, allowing him to turn around in his arms and cup his face with his hands.  Yahaba kissed Kyoutani’s forehead, right between his eyes, before moving lower to steal a soft kiss from his lips.  Kyoutani shivered when he felt Yahaba’s eyelashes against his cheeks as they pressed their foreheads together.

“Yeah, I know you love me.”

Kyoutani grinned, pressing forward the slightest bit to kiss the edge of his boyfriend’s mouth.  So what if Yahaba didn’t remember? He didn’t need to remember when he had already relearned the most important thing about their relationship.

“I love you too, Kentarou.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter! Thanks so much for sticking with me through this, I hope this last chapter is a good conclusion for you all that have stuck with since the first chapter, even if its a little short. It's officially my winter break now so I hope to have some more things for you all soon. You can always watch out for new fics on my writing tumblr dreyars, or my main fukunagapls. Thanks for reading my dears!

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this right before KyouHaba week started, but it was super long and didn't fit any of the days! So I held off on posting this until the week was well and over with, and now I'm posting right before season 2 airs where we will hopefully get to see Kyoutani animated for the first time!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter because this work is something I am really truly proud of.


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